Today’s Ask an Evil Genie is about a lot of things — the nature of wishing, the secrets we keep from our loved ones, the corrosive effects of power— but it’s mostly about reversible jackets from the Home Shopping Network.
The Particular Sadness of Reversible Jackets.
Purty, right? Want to have his babies? Well, maybe don’t want that.
There you are, all of 7 years old, on-stage at a school talent show. Why don’t you remember this? You must have blocked it out. You recognize the outfit — purple sequined crop-top, black bedazzled bike shorts, high pony-tail — a 90’s ideal. You’re surrounded by podiums of varying heights, and on each podium is a basket containing a doll. There are Barbies, Cabbage Patch Kids, a plush Minnie Mouse. The music starts to pulse, and your tiny hips start to sway profanely. The track? Right Said Fred’s 1992 classic, “I’m Too Sexy.” And you’re off — “I’m too sexy for my dolls, too sexy for my dolls, I’m too sexy for them alllll, yeah.” You skip from one basket to the next, being too sexy for Skipper, and Baby Huey, and Samantha from the American Girls. Is it awesome? You heard the part about the dolls, right? Is it sexy? I heard somewhere that it’s TOO sexy, but I can’t be sure where.
Slacktory’s Evil Genie answers the wish ”to be famous on the internet for something really awesome and sexy.”
Of course, it gets hella worse from there.
(via slacktory)
(via luckypaperstars)
Anyone who has played me at Draw Something (ahem, username: manymanywords) knows that I just really can’t draw a dragon. But I can imagine how riding one to work could ruin your whole life!
This has all been an elaborate ploy to get more people to play Draw Something with me.
Ask an Evil Genie is moving to thrice weekly on Slacktory.com, so check it out now! And then say the word “thrice” to yourself for a while just because, you know, it’s fun.
Canuck Fish. (AAEG deleted scene)
Meredith (American, born 1985)
2012. MS Paint and Fears, 5.2”x 2.8”. Luckypaperstars Bequest Fund.
My latest Ask An Evil Genie is LIVE RIGHT NOW I’M WRITING IT AS YOU READ IT! Just kidding, it’s just been posted! But I’m really pretty pleased with this one, so check it out.
Hi, remember me? Now I am other places! Wishes welcomed!
My first column for Slacktory is now available to put in through your eyes straight to your minds! Read it and leave wishes in the comments! And then I will use those wishes to ruin your life, but only on the internet!*
*As though you have a life that isn’t on the internet. Just kidding, I love you and your hair looks great, look at this.
This is this blog, but on Slacktory! So now with more clicking through!
Were all of your wishes that Ask an Evil Genie would come back, be better than ever, and appear on Slacktory?
Well, I guess I can’t be sure, because you didn’t send me your wishes. So send me your wishes and they will be horribly, irrevocably, life-ruiningly granted by an Evil Genie!
There is nothing funny about what happens to you and your unicorn.
Mazriel, your unicorn, is beautiful. Her mane is shiny, her horn is buffed, her coat looks like Ke$ha vommed all over her — glitter party. She is lovely and aerodynamic (for a horse) and she sings to you all the hits of the 90’s, focusing primarily on female singer-songwriters. You mount her and take to the skies.
In the air, Mazriel shows you the wonders of the world. You swoop and soar and rock out to Lilith Fair. What could be better? Suddenly, a horrible gust of wind takes you. Glitter blows off Mazriel’s coat and hits you in the face and eyes, cutting you like tiny knives. “Watch OUT!” You screech, bleeding. You are ruining Mazriel’s mane with all your dripping. Mazriel begins to sing “Where Have All The Cowboys Gone” at the top of her lungs, with urgency and fear. Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, yippee-ay, yippee-yay. This only makes you more nervous, and you cling to her horn, begging her to right herself. You flip and flounder in the horrible torrent, until finally you are hurtling towards the earth, alone. In the air above you, Mazriel sings Lisa Loeb, flying free.
As your desk drawer begins to fill with snacks, you’re feeling pretty smug. You asked for infinite snacks, but prevented your own ill health, or a disastrous crushing overflow due to the generally problematic storage concerns of “infinity.” Pretty sneaky.
Your drawer is full and when you dig to what you think should be the bottom, you find only more snacks. When you empty the drawer, it fills again. The snacks aren’t your favorites: dried seaweed, flax seed bread, crab-flavored chips, licorice, circus peanuts, Necco wafers, but they are never ending. At first, you keep quiet, but then you start to tell coworkers and friends. They share in your joy, eating until their hearts are content. Eventually, the circle of trust is broken. Word starts to get around that you have a source of unlimited, self-renewing food. First, stocks in companies that make dried seaweed and crab-chips plummet. Your excess is not coming from their warehouse, but from the drawer itself. No one feels compelled to pay for their products anymore, they appear from no where! Jobs are lost, families are destroyed, men jump to their deaths.
This international news now. The government steps in, quarantining your desk, and the disruption causes your company to let you go. This is one disruption too many, young lady. Eventually the entire building is taken over, filled with snacks, and then the city block, bags circus peanuts lining the streets. It’s a bumper crop.
You are jobless, and snackless, but you wander the streets, unsure of what to do next. AM New York salesman shout from outside subway entrances: “Donated Licorice Kills Starving Children,” “Malnourished Bodies Can’t Adjust to Necco Wafers!” Sighing, guilty, you decide to try to eat a real meal for a change.
