Ask an Evil Genie

Go on. Ask him.

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Anonymous asked: I want to be the leader singer on a band!

"Get the fuck off us," said the Third Eye Blind.

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There you are, all of 7 years old, on-stage at a school talent show. Why don’t you remember this? You must have blocked it out. You recognize the outfit — purple sequined crop-top, black bedazzled bike shorts, high pony-tail — a 90’s ideal. You’re surrounded by podiums of varying heights, and on each podium is a basket containing a doll. There are Barbies, Cabbage Patch Kids, a plush Minnie Mouse. The music starts to pulse, and your tiny hips start to sway profanely. The track? Right Said Fred’s 1992 classic, “I’m Too Sexy.” And you’re off — “I’m too sexy for my dolls, too sexy for my dolls, I’m too sexy for them alllll, yeah.” You skip from one basket to the next, being too sexy for Skipper, and Baby Huey, and Samantha from the American Girls. Is it awesome? You heard the part about the dolls, right? Is it sexy? I heard somewhere that it’s TOO sexy, but I can’t be sure where.

Slacktory’s Evil Genie answers the wish ”to be famous on the internet for something really awesome and sexy.”

Of course, it gets hella worse from there.

(via slacktory)

(via meredithhaggerty)

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luckypaperstars:

Canuck Fish. (AAEG deleted scene)
Meredith (American, born 1985)
2012. MS Paint and Fears, 5.2”x 2.8”. Luckypaperstars Bequest Fund.
My latest Ask An Evil Genie is LIVE RIGHT NOW I’M WRITING IT AS YOU READ IT! Just kidding, it’s just been posted! But I’m really pretty pleased with this one, so check it out.

Hi, remember me? Now I am other places! Wishes welcomed!

luckypaperstars:

Canuck Fish. (AAEG deleted scene)

Meredith (American, born 1985)

2012. MS Paint and Fears, 5.2”x 2.8”. Luckypaperstars Bequest Fund.

My latest Ask An Evil Genie is LIVE RIGHT NOW I’M WRITING IT AS YOU READ IT! Just kidding, it’s just been posted! But I’m really pretty pleased with this one, so check it out.

Hi, remember me? Now I am other places! Wishes welcomed!

(via meredithhaggerty)

Filed under ask an evil genie

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Slacktory: Ask an Evil Genie: Talking Cats and Marrying Genies

luckypaperstars:

My first column for Slacktory is now available to put in through your eyes straight to your minds! Read it and leave wishes in the comments! And then I will use those wishes to ruin your life, but only on the internet!*

*As though you have a life that isn’t on the internet. Just kidding, I love you and your hair looks great, look at this.

This is this blog, but on Slacktory! So now with more clicking through!

(Source: meredithhaggerty)

Filed under Ask an Evil Genie

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ALL YOUR WISHES ARE COMING TRUE

Were all of your wishes that Ask an Evil Genie would come back, be better than ever, and appear on Slacktory?

Well, I guess I can’t be sure, because you didn’t send me your wishes. So send me your wishes and they will be horribly, irrevocably, life-ruiningly granted by an Evil Genie!

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trippingingoldx asked: I wish for a flying unicorn that is very glittery and sings to me. No funny business, either.

There is nothing funny about what happens to you and your unicorn.

Mazriel, your unicorn, is beautiful. Her mane is shiny, her horn is buffed, her coat looks like Ke$ha vommed all over her — glitter party. She is lovely and aerodynamic (for a horse) and she sings to you all the hits of the 90’s, focusing primarily on female singer-songwriters. You mount her and take to the skies.

In the air, Mazriel shows you the wonders of the world. You swoop and soar and rock out to Lilith Fair. What could be better? Suddenly, a horrible gust of wind takes you. Glitter blows off Mazriel’s coat and hits you in the face and eyes, cutting you like tiny knives. “Watch OUT!” You screech, bleeding. You are ruining Mazriel’s mane with all your dripping. Mazriel begins to sing “Where Have All The Cowboys Gone” at the top of her lungs, with urgency and fear. Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, yippee-ay, yippee-yay. This only makes you more nervous, and you cling to her horn, begging her to right herself. You flip and flounder in the horrible torrent, until finally you are hurtling towards the earth, alone. In the air above you, Mazriel sings Lisa Loeb, flying free.